Broken Teacups
by 2x2 Hands of Blue
Summary: In a world of too-fast people and too-bright colors, sometimes she feels like life has passed her by, like there is nothing more to her personal existence than to be a small, dark shadow in the background. What if Jane never joined the team? Lisbon AU.


**Broken Teacups**

In a world of too-fast people and too-bright colors, sometimes she feels like life has passed her by, like there is nothing more to her personal existence than to be a small, dark shadow in the background. Cute, people call her; pretty, if they want to be nice. But never _beautiful,_ never _striking._

Sometimes she wonders what it would be like to be in the spotlight. To have every eye on her; to be important, noticeable, _there. _ But she isn't, so she acts like she doesn't care and just keeps treading water.

XXX

She remembers the first time she saw him. She had just gotten home from another (miserable) day where she completed another (boring) case, receiving another pat on the head by her boss, too busy looking at the new intern to see the bruise marring her face from where the murderer had thrown her into the wall. All she wants to do now is forget how the victim's mother sobbed and her brothers vowed to _kill the bastard_ and the dad just refilled the cracked mug with coffee (whiskey).

She turned on the television to some mindless channel and there _he_ was. _Beautiful _and _golden_ and _shining_. He was just another lying charlatan (but he was so charming) and he's taunting a serial killer; Red John, she recalls later. But all she can think of at the moment is what is must be like to have everyone in the audience hanging off your every word, every eye on you. She decides in that split-second to ask him how it feels if she ever meets him, how it feels to be in the fore-ground (because she's so tired of the background).

She turns off the screen and falls into bed, thinking of her brothers (bright and perfect and _put together_). She wonders if she'll ever be looked at like how her partner looks at his wife (doubtful, how can someone see her hiding in the shadows?)

XXX

The second time their paths intertwine is when she hears his name on the radio as she's racing to work because she's late (again). She slams on the brakes and cranks the volume to the max, waving at the driver who almost ran her over. It's _him_, and his family is dead because he was _so damn arrogant_, taunting a serial killer to come out and play and for some reason there are tear tracks on her face and she's promising that she'll never be late again for _anything_ as long as Red John is still out there.

She dries her face and locks down her heart and keeps driving, trying to figure out how to convince Bertram to give her the Red John case. (Later she looks back and can't remember why she was listening to that station; she never has before)

XXX

The third time is when she (finally) receives the case, complete with a promotion and a team and a _you're a pretty good agent_ (but not the best). She hears laughter and glances at the junior agent, who apologizes and explains how the husband is in a mental institution (not completely with us, know what I mean boss?)

XXX

The fourth time is when she walks into her office and there he is, looking angry and scared and _there_. He wants to know how the case is coming, and almost throws his glass of water at her when she refuses to answer. He stands to leave, and she finds herself opening her mouth to ask him what it was like to be in the spotlight, but catches herself before she can. She says all the right things about _how sorry we are_ and _we'll catch him I promise_, even though she knows he couldn't care less.

He stalks out and she finds herself holding a half-full (empty?) glass of water and fleetingly thinks that it should be tea instead.

XXX

Days later she receives a request from _the mayor_ asking if pretty please that man can join her team to be a consultant? She almost says no before remembering how hard it is to sleep a night without knowing that the person who murdered your family isn't locked up (they never caught the guy who killed her mother and she still dreams of him). But then Bertram says **NO**, so he doesn't come back.

XXX

Weeks later she's talking to her team and all she can think of is that there should be a couch in the corner.

XXX

Years go by and Van Pelt gets married to a nice man by the name of O'Laughlin, and Rigsby leaves because he loves her too much to see her with another man. Cho stops smiling whenever someone comments on his books and she finds herself with frown lines on her face and the words _someone stole your tiara_ in her head.

XXX

Her birthdays come and go and she still wishes for a pony every year.

XXX

She gives the Red John files to Bosco when Cho takes a bullet to the arm chasing a suspect who might have seen the serial killer's face. A week later Bosco's entire team dies, and she gets it back. She starts to think it's cursed.

XXX

The fifth time she meets him she is crying in the attic and he comments that it would be a nice place to live. She asks why he's here and he replies that he wanted an update, and that he had a list and would she want it? She tells him to _get out because he burns everything he touches_ and he tells her he's sorry for her loss.

It'll be the last time they meet without guns drawn.

XXX

She isn't late for Van Pelt's funeral. She told her not to listen to _him_ but he's so charming and knew exactly what buttons to push to make her dance. She vows to kill O'Laughlin the next time they cross paths and tries to forget what _he _said about her childhood (anybody would have broken his nose for grabbing her arm, wouldn't they?)

XXX

Three weeks later Cho is injured and Rigsby is back on the team, even though he's not running at full strength. They close another case and she'll always wonder what happened to that little rich boy whose mother was manipulated by a psychic.

XXX

The last time they meet he's standing over the body of a sheriff screaming that he's killed Red John and she has her gun pointed at him begging him to drop it. He complies and she handcuffs him and throws him in prison.

He's found guilty of murder in the first degree, and she watches him walk away and then heads out to face the reporters waiting outside and _finally finally finally_ she's in the spotlight that she's dreamed about for so many years and it feels _glorious_ (or does it?).

XXX

She heads back to her team and more cases (because murderers never take a break) and decides that the stain on the ceiling looks like something, but she's not sure what.

XXX

She writes to him eventually. They never lay eyes on each other again, but they write. She asks him what it's like to _see everything_ and _always be the center of attention _and to _have gotten vengeance_. He answers and tells her that _he wishes he didn't_ and _he just wants to be in the shadows_ and _now he feels empty_.

She almost writes back, but doesn't.

XXX

The powers that be ask her to do an interview about how she caught Red John and the man who killed him, but she decides not to. She's growing tired of the light, and wants her shadows back. At least then people didn't judge her as much.

XXX

She grows old, but doesn't slow down. She can still run and shoot, and keeps three guns in her car at all times. (Someone remarks that she's the poster girl for the NRA, and looks confused when she inexplicably starts crying.) Cho moves away and Rigsby marries some lawyer type and she stays alone because she doesn't click with anyone (she's invisible in her shadows).

XXX

She hears he died in a prison riot one day and stares at the walls for hours, tracing the scars on her side _that she wished didn't exist_. She gets up for coffee, but spies a dusty teacup and decides to drink that instead.

XXX

She thinks that _the shadows are better than the light_ and _no matter what anyone says she's beautiful __**and**__ striking_. She decides that colors be damned she likes _black_, and if she wants tea she can drink it in peace because who needs coffee? If she wants to live alone and be grumpy as hell to everyone on the squad that's her junior, that's her right for staying for so many years where others have fled. Sometimes she's late and she refuses to explain why.

XXX

But she keeps reminders of him. His mugshot when he was arrested, the old Red John file, and the letters he wrote to her over the years that she never answered. Letters about _light_ and _dark_ and _how she's cute as a button, a pocket rocket, a stick of dynamite. _

XXX

One day after he's been dead for years she wonders how she fell in love with a man on a TV screen.

XXX

Decades her minions get worried when she doesn't come in, and even though she's allowed to take sick days _something's not right_. They find her _dead to the world _in her favorite chair holding a letter from a man named Jane.

The ink is faded and the paper is fragile, but they can make out the words _"I think I love you Lisbon."_

XXX

On the floor lies a broken teacup.

**A/N: My sister and I wrote to the prompt so that's why the passage about 'too-loud people and too-bright colors' is repeated; her penname is I Can Kill You With My Brain and her story is posted as well. And this is my first EVER writing assignment for anything that wasn't school assigned. And go check out my sister's stories. (She writes for Firefly). I dare you all to go review her stuff. (And she's reading this over my shoulder and would like you to at least please read Ad Interim, which is her favorite piece of writing, possibly the only one...) Oh, she has some Harry Potter stuff too. **

**And I own the Mentalist. Totally. Prove me wrong, I dare you. I AM QUEEN! And to the government agents that are monitoring this site and all of the Internet because yes, we all know Big Brother is watching, REVIEW! And if you have any funny quotes to add to my wall (which I have to put up) just send me a private message and I'll be sure to add them. Anything is acceptable, whether it be quote, tv show line, or a funny t-shirt you happened to see. **


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